Responding to The Stress of Caring for Aging Parents

By David Solie, MS, PA david@dsolie.com

The drama of our aging parents puts us into an emotional environment that can overwhelm us! We seem to be bobbing corks on an angry ocean of emotions . . . emotions that can overwhelm us time and again. What can we do to recover our sanity?

No matter how composed we appear to be on the surface, most of us wind up with what I call “emotional habits.” Emotional habits follow the emotional upheaval of our interactions with our aging parents. We tell ourselves we are going to be calm, objective, and detached only to abandon these resolutions within the first few minutes of struggling over the most trivial matters. Why?

Part of the answer lies in the magnitude and source of the emotional energy that punctuates every aspect of the drama of our aging parents. It is helpful to step back and consider these two sources: Childhood and Family.

1. Childhood. Adult children are not neutral players in the aging parents drama; we are forever the children of our aging parents. We carry with us a wide range of emotions about the parent, all of them intense and complex. This is why it is so easy for us to feel panicked, angry, and guilty, all at the same time.

Adult children are not just trying to care for their aging parents. We are trying to fulfill unspoken obligations that are unique to our childhood experiences. Even more painful for the adult child, these are obligations that only we can truly understand!

2. Family. Adult children are not isolated players in the aging parents drama; we are forever part of an extend family system that includes our brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all of the people they married.

Adult children have many sets of eyes watching their caregiving efforts, and all of those people have opinions about it. So we wind up, consciously or unconsciously, FRANTICALLY seeking layers of approval for contradictory and biased points of view. That only elevates our emotional insecurities to unbearable levels. Now, what can we do?

The first step is to gain an accurate perspective on the big picture. Most adult children are at an emotional disadvantage in working with their aging parents. This limits our objectivity, exaggerates our responsibilities, and increases our emotional vulnerability. Understandably, it makes US the primary target of our parent’s anger about all of the “slings and arrows” of growing old.

The second step is to gain an accurate perspective on the small picture. While adult children can not recast or ignore the emotional landscape in the drama of aging parents, they can cut it down to size. While the complexity of the issues all beg a thousand things to worry about and to solve, the allocation unit of the journey is one day at a time. This should be the dominating insight that all adult children remember when we feel the pull of emotional habits. Here is the question we should ask ourselves, over and over again: What is possible today? Within this context, a number of important insights begin to surface:

1. I am in this for the long run, and I need to make sure I am doing the things I need to do for myself that support the long run. Maybe this is just thirty minutes for a cup of coffee and the paper. Maybe this is a phone call to a friend who just listens. Maybe this is a surprising “no” when everyone expects you to say "yes." Maybe this is a heart felt prayer that makes it clear you cannot do this alone. Within the day, you need long run moments that help you stay in the game.

2. I am doing the best I can do today with what I have. Tomorrow, next week, next month, next year will all arrive on schedule. But the allocation unit is one day. Only a few things will get done. Only a few calls will be made. Only a few needs will be met. Everything else will float into the future. No one can or should do more.

Give it your best, engage in some "long run" moments, and see what tomorrow brings.

The goal is not to eradicate emotional habits; they are part and parcel of the drama of aging parents. The goal is to recognize them, resize them, and with patience and practice attenuate their impact.